Sunday, June 21, 2015

The Journey, Part II

January of 2015 came, and went... and still, no signs of pregnancy. 

Sometime around the middle of the month, we began talking about what it would be like if we never had kids. It wasn't an easy conversation to have, but it was oddly comforting to think that there might be other avenues for us... that we could really make of our future whatever we wanted.

Still, I was having a hard time accepting that I might never carry and nurture my own children. Andrew gave me a Priesthood blessing on February 12th. I have never received such clear guidance before, but I am so grateful for it, because I felt the Spirit so strongly and I was comforted by it. He said I needed to be prepared for what is to come and that I had great things in store for my future, but there was also much guidance towards focusing on Beachbody, and that I have many things to learn from this company. I stepped away from that blessing feeling that the answer was that now was not the time for me to be focusing on bringing children into our home, but ultimately, the choice was mine, and Heavenly Father would buoy me up in whatever I decided. (I am so grateful for the Priesthood, and for the Love that our Father In Heaven has for us. I promise you, if you are lacking in anything, just know that He understands, but most importantly, know that you have Heavenly Parents who love you. Their love for you is greater than anyone can comprehend in this life. Sometimes, though, they let us make bad decisions, or be affected by the bad decisions of others because they can see our potential, and they know that those experiences offer us opportunity for growth. It isn't always easy, but if we learn from these 'trials' we will see blessings stream forth in our own personal growth and understanding).

So, in February, I really started looking into personal development, and learning about myself. I didn't jump into my Beachbody business, though. I was still fighting that depression and I was struggling with being that leader that my team needed me to be. That is one regret that I do have, because, honestly, I have found that reaching outside of ourselves is really the best medicine to mental-illness. It's like running on a rat-wheel, though... You know that if you just hop off, and start helping others, your own life becomes so much simpler and livable, but that initial step off of the wheel, when it's spinning like crazy around you, that's the scariest part. You get stuck in this place where it's almost easier to just suffer from the whirlwind around you than it is to step off into the unknown... into unfamiliar territory, where you are vulnerable and you are open to others hurting you. It only makes sense if you've been on the wheel yourself, though.

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