Friday, November 6, 2015

My reaction to the Church's "New" Policy.

L. Tom Perry said, "Family is the center of life; it is the key to eternal happiness."

Last night, as I read article after article about church policy, I was stirred. 

First, because it seems the way these articles were headlined were sensationalized to grab people's attention. It was working... people were definitely paying attention. 

Second, because the 'policy' that was being reported was not news to me, nor, do I think it should have been news to any active member of my faith. There was no change in doctrine and The Church has stood it's ground on the topic at hand.

Thirdly, I was brought back to memories of my own childhood and my journey to finding the place where I knew I belonged. It was thinking through my own experiences where I came to a peaceful understanding of what was happening, and I'd like to share a little of my story...

I was raised in a loving home, but religion was not part of our lives. We did not speak of God or things of that nature in our house. We rarely attended church services of any sort, and although I still don't fully understand why, my dad had always seemed to have animosity for one church in particular; The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Imagine how surprised he must have been the day that I came to him asking for his permission for me to be baptized and join ranking with 'those Mormons'. 

To add a little more detail, this was not a decision I made on a whim. Throughout my childhood, I had visited many church congregations of multiple denominations. This usually happened when I would sleep over with friends or extended family on the weekend and fall into their routine. I was always fascinated with the idea of something bigger than myself and even though I didn't really understand it, I had always felt that there was something missing from my life. 

When I was about 14, my parents divorced and for the first time in my life, my dad started actively studying The Gospel of Jesus Christ. He began attending a foursquare church and I attended with him. I loved the people there and it was great to finally have a little light in my life that had been missing for so long, but there were times that I felt uncomfortable and confused by some of the doctrine that was being taught. I continued studying other churches and eventually, I began meeting with Mormon missionaries. 

I love the promise of The Gospel and the Plan of Happiness. I identify with the doctrine that we have Heavenly parents who wish for our progress and happiness. I love the feeling of familiarity that has always been with me when I have studied the Gospel. The peace that it has brought to my life, in even the most trying of times. I love the Priesthood and the order that exists in The Church. To me, it just made sense.

I began building a testimony of what I was learning at a time when other stability I had in life had been taken away from me. Life as I had known it had been turned completely upside-down. I was living in a joint-custody relationship with my parents. Spending half the week with my mother, then switching and spending the next half with my father's family. I felt that there was no place for me to feel at home. The houses where I laid my head were just houses. I had lost a sense of who I was, and a major depression had begun to set into my life. Under the pressure, my father and I began to drift apart. It was hard for me at the time. 

The Gospel provided the relief and sense of purpose that I needed. I didn't know how big of a role it would play in my life, but I knew without a doubt in my heart that there was something there that I needed. I made the decision to be baptized, which was actually a rather simple decision for me to make, it was what came with that decision that I wasn't prepared for.

Because I was a minor, I needed permission from both of my parents. My mother was not partial either-way and consented quickly. By this time, however, I was no longer living with my father part-time. The stress had become too much for me and I had requested full custody from my mother a few months prior to arriving at this decision. I knew that getting my dad's permission wasn't going to be easy.

He tried to talk me out of it. He told me he didn't support it. He made multiple arguments against it, but eventually, he understood that I had already made the decision for myself and he consented. I will be forever grateful to him for this, because he could have just as easily said no.

I was sixteen at this time, so I would have only had to wait two years until I didn't need permission anyway, but I was ready then and I went ahead with my convictions. It was the hardest best thing I have ever done for myself.

So, that is a little of my story and how I arrived here, today, minus a few details. The reason that I write, however, is actually to tell about my experience after I was baptized. 

You see, by making that decision, I had taken on a challenge I didn't even know existed. When you are convicted to something in one area of your life that conflicts with what is happening in your home, life can become very confusing and trying.

I love my family, and it wasn't like they were going out and doing anything particularly sinful or of bad nature. They were just people living their lives. However, our values didn't match. Things that were important to me were twisted and turned against me. When I would visit with my dad, or step-siblings (both my mother's and my father's children), our views didn't always match up. Often, conversations would take place with them questioning why I did things the way I did, or trying to disprove things to me. I felt judged often. It often felt that I was walking between a line of proving myself to them and coming across as snobbish and full of myself. I feel there were expectations placed on me that were unfair and contrite.

Now, whether these feelings were justified, or merely my perception, I don't know. I do, however, know that it brought on unwelcome stress and anxiety in my last two years of high school. I remember meeting with my bishop for counseling and telling him I just couldn't wait until I turned 18 so I could be out on my own and be free to make my own choices rather than having to explain and justify everything I did.

This brings me back to the policy that was so prevalent in social media. The idea that a child must wait until he or she is 18 to become a member of The Church if there is obvious conflict in the home that he or she resides.

Here is my testimony of what a mercy this is from God.

God is no respecter of persons. You don't have to be a member of the 'right Church' in order to hold a relationship with Him. He WILL NOT revoke blessings from those who seek for better things in life. However, God is a god of order. He does have a plan that has been set here for our better good. His plan makes sense. He has accounted for every circumstance that may befall upon His children, and no person who requests His blessings will be denied. His work and His glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. He will place stepping stones in our path to guide us to His goodness. I know that oftentimes, those stepping stones first appear as stumbling blocks. This policy does not come from a place of hate in the Church. Rather, it is a blessing and a tender mercy that children will not have to deal with the confusion that comes from conflicted teachings in the home and in the Church. It is not meant to be a punishment, but a trial of faith. I know that we will not be punished for the sins of our fathers. God looketh on the heart, and not the outward appearance. He, and only He truly knows and understands the desires of our hearts. He has provided a savior to come in our stead to vouch for us so that we might not be judged for our shortcomings and imperfections. His plan is perfect, and every wrong will be righted and everything that is taken from us will be returned a hundredfold in the world to come. The Church creating a policy that slows the process of someone making a very, very important choice is not a policy of hatred. It does not deny a person God's blessings. It does not mean that someone who's life has taken them on a different journey is seen as better or more pure in God's eyes. Remember, God is no respecter of persons. I don't claim to know why there seems to be so much contention brought up from this policy (which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone familiar with the doctrine of the Church). I do, however, know that to God, there are two very important principles that we often don't understand how important they are to Him. The first, is that the family is the single most important unit on this Earth. It is central to the Creator's plan for the Eternal destiny of His children. It was the first commandment He gave to Adam and Eve when He brought them to the Garden of Eden. He will do everything in His power to keep family units together (even though there are laws that He is bound to follow). Secondly, the principle of gifting us with our own moral agency. Our agency is so important to Heavenly Father, that He will allow us to make decisions that trump His will. That is hugely important to understand. He loves us so much, that our own will and choice is what we live by. However, we are not free from the consequences that come with that freedom, whether they be good or bad. I believe that is something that we often forget in the scheme of things.

The last thing that I'd like to say is that God is a god of Love. He knows you and the trials of your heart. Please, don't turn from Him because your are distracted by the shortcomings of people around you. He is perfect, and His love for you is perfect. I don't know, but I think we're all going to be quite surprised when the time comes that all truth is revealed to us and we see how foolish we were to put such stock and creedence into what are really very trivial things here on Earth. I really believe that it is much more simple than we like to make it. Man is that He might have joy. Don't bog yourself so much in trivial things that you forget to enjoy your life and miss the beauty that is all around you. Life really is a blessed and beautiful thing. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Filling the Freezer... My Food Prep for Baby Experience

I don't consider myself to be much of the homemaker type, but I found this experience to be quite pleasant and I was so excited about the end result, I can definitely see myself doing it again and even incorporating something similar into a more regular schedule. I have had a few friends asking me HOW I did it...

About two weeks ago, I started thinking about how I will prepare our meals once little Dally arrives. I'll admit... the whole idea of cooking with a new-born baby terrifies me. Not to mention, we live pretty far from family and I have no idea how much time we will have to fend for ourselves before family can stop in and help out. I also have a firm belief in self-reliance, but I realize that there are times in life when we must humble ourselves and ask for help. To put my pride at bay, I thought it'd be a great idea to make up a few meals now that I could throw in the freezer for quick and easy meals later.

It's actually kind-of funny how this whole project started... Andrew and I were shopping a few weeks ago and we walked down an aisle that I am totally unfamiliar with... the freezer section. Andrew mentioned how strange it was that we never buy anything from that aisle, but he knows people who live off of those types of foods. We joked about it for a few minutes, and then I thought it actually wouldn't be such a bad idea to have that option if we were in a jam. 

So... that's how it started and here's what I did about.

First, I went home and thought about the foods that we love. I started making a list of foods that would freeze well and that we love eating. You know... those 'healthier' comfort foods that I think we'll enjoy in the winter and with a new little one in the home.

The list looked like this:
Stir Fry
Roast w/veggies
Taco Soup
White Chili
BBQ Chicken Sandwiches
New Orleans Gumbo
Clam Chowder

It was that simple... I realized that these meals use a lot of the same basic ingredients... example... ground meat, shredded chicken, chopped veggies, etc.

I started making my list of ingredients by taking a look in my pantry. After I knew what I already had on hand, I wrote down everything I'd need from the store. I took about 3 hours to shop. I first went to Costco and got bulk of the items that could be used for multiple dishes, then I ran to Super One (our local super-market) for the remaining ingredients that I didn't want to bulk up on (like 1/2&1/2 for soup base etc.) I spent about $200, but I also purchased some items that weren't used for the freezer meals and would be used for our regular menu. 

When I got home, I put everything in the refrigerator and just left it there for two days. I didn't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do everything at once.

To start the process, I made sure my kitchen was clean. No dishes in the sink and all of my counter spaces clean and free so I could have the space I needed. This was probably one of the best decisions because I felt in-control and I could see only what I was working on.

I started by grabbing a stock pot and filling it with seasoned water. I brought it to a boil and added a whole Costco-sized bag of chicken tenders and a chopped onion. I popped a lid on and let it boil and cook on the stove-top while I turned my attention to the ground-meat.

I had purchased a huge portion of ground-meat and from one package, I made 2 meatloaves, 2 lasagnas, and 2 batches of taco soup (from about 5.5 lbs of meat). To do this, I shredded 1-2 large carrots/pound of meat mixture to bulk it up a bit. The carrots are great because you get a serving of veggies unexpectedly, and they lower your cost by bulking up your meat. You can't tell they are there once they are cooked. I just used the fine-grate on my cheese grater, but a food processor would cut your time down significantly if you're wanting to do this.

First, I formed the meatloaves, then stuck them in the freezer. Next, I grabbed a skillet and made my taco meat. I threw that into a bowl to cool a bit, rinsed my pan and made the meat mixture for my lasagna. I left that in the pan to cool, turned around and grabbed my taco meat and threw it into some labeled baggies then put those in the freezer. All I have to do for soup is add beans, corn and tomatoes in the crockpot!

Once that was done, I turned around, took the chicken out of the stock that I had created and put it into the rinsed bowl that I had used earlier for the taco meat. Threw that in the fridge to cool down and turned my attention back to the lasagna mixture. 

I bought two throw-away lasagna pans, so I just started layering the meat, noodles and cheese like I normally make the pasta. The recipe that I use does not require you to pre-cook the noodles, so this was super quick and efficient. I covered them with foil, labeled them and placed them in the freezer.

Next, I grabbed my chicken (I had set the stock aside and would use that later in two of my recipes! Yay for no waste... the only thing I had thrown out so far were onion tips). In the bowl that I was cooling the chicken in, I grabbed my hand mixer, put the dough hooks on, and started mixing my chicken at the lowest setting. A few moments later, I had plenty of shredded chicken!

I used that chicken for a few things. I split some up into quart-sized baggies with some watered down BBQ sauce that we'll use to make sandwiches later. I got about 3 baggies worth. I also used it for our chili and the gumbo. Those and the clam chowder were probably the most time-consuming.

I put beans aside to soak for the chili and started on the gumbo. (If you've ever made it, you know how long the rue can take). I stirred the rue and used some of the stock that I had created from my shredded chicken.

This is when I started chopping veggies... Clam chowder, gumbo, stir-fry, roast and fajitas have the same basic veggies. So, while the gumbo was cooking, I chopped onions, green peppers, carrots, potatoes and celery and split them into their respective recipes. I added the veggies to the gumbo and started the clam-chowder veggie stock base then let those simmer while I turned my attention to a roast that had been waiting in the fridge.

I grabbed 4 gallon sized bags and cut the roast four ways (if you've ever bought a roast at Costco, you'll understand why I got 4 portions). I put potatoes, carrots, meat and some of the chicken stock that I still had. Labeled the bags and threw them into the freezer.

By this time, the gumbo was done and set aside to cool. I made the rue for the clam chowder and let it cook a bit longer while I split the gumbo into baggies and froze them (I'll have to cook rice when we eat the gumbo, but that's simple enough). 

I took my soaking beans and put them into a stock-pot to boil with all of the herbs,veggies and seasonings we use for our chili, plus the remaining portion of my chicken stock.

I pushed the clam chowder aside to cool and turned back to my veggies. I had a few steaks that I put into baggies with marinade for stir-fry and fajitas. I then divided up the veggies into some baggies and put those in a larger bag with the meat, labeled and stuck in the freezer. When we're ready for those, we'll defrost them in the fridge overnight (double whammy because they'll marinate as they defrost), then just sear the veggies and meat and slice it up to serve.

I came back to my clam chowder, divided it into labeled baggies... and... I think you know the drill!

Lastly, I added the chicken to my chili and set it aside to cool while I cleaned up the dishes (which were few because I had rinsed and reused throughout the entire process). When I was done with that, I split up the chili into baggies and... you guessed it!

Then I just had a few odds and ends to clean up. 

If you're still reading this, you're awesome and I would love to answer any questions that you may have gathered, but it's pretty self-explanatory. The whole process was WAY more simple than I thought it would be and it took me about 4.5 hours from start to finish (not including shopping time).

I will definitely be doing this more in the future!

Monday, June 22, 2015

The Journey, Part VI (6) - Everybody Dies Famous in a Small Town

The next morning, we all headed to church. In our church, we have on Sunday each month that is set aside as "Fast and Testimony Meeting". Instead of the Bishopric choosing the speakers and topic to be taught during our Sacrament meeting (much like communion), the members of the congregation fast for two meals, and the meeting is left open to anyone who would like to stand and bear their own, personal testimony of the principles of the Gospel, and to bear personal witness of their relationship with Christ. The meeting is open to everyone, even small children.

My niece, "J", hopped up and offered a beautiful testimony on her feelings. I honestly don't remember what she said, but I remember the feeling that I had while she was speaking. I really appreciated what she had to say... until she got to the end... it seemed like she was done speaking, but for some reason, instead of ending, she spoke back up and said,

"...and, I'm so happy for my aunt because she is going to have a baby soon."

And I felt the floor drop out from under me. 

I began to see everything in a shade of pink, and I'm sure that anyone looking at me might have been concerned about the crimson red shade that must have suddenly replaced my usually peachy complexion. I suddenly found the very simple act of breathing was becoming something that I had to consciously tell myself to do, and I became aware that my body was doing some type of crazy convulsion, which, I'm sure, was it's way of saying, "Keep it together girl" as I was fighting off this other natural instinct to either run away and hide, or stand up and tear apart everything around me. I think it's referred to as 'the fight or flight response'. I also became increasingly aware that my emotions were very confused as well, and, to this day, I am still not sure whether what happened on the church bench that day was me sobbing inconsolably or laughing hysterically, but I knew that whatever was happening was completely out of my control, so I sat helplessly as tears streamed down my cheeks and soft broken sputtering sounds escaped from my clenched lips.

AND, not to mention the fact that, were there not already enough attention drawn to me at this point, a dear elderly sister of the congregation whom I have known for years was next in line after, J, and she walked up to the pulpit and said, "Well, looks like the cat's out of the bag whether it was intended to be or not!" While she demonstrated a very impressive wink and point at me, before proceeding into her own testimony. I'm just glad we were sitting fairly close to the front, so there were very few opportunities for me to steal a glance from those who had actually turned around in their seats to crack a huge grin, or a thumbs up and my husband and me.

Still, it didn't help from the searing I felt as I knew that there were people sitting behind me watching my weird convulsion episode taking place.

I have no idea what was going on in Andrew's mind. All I remember is him burying his face into his hands and practicing what looked like the commonly recognized coping mechanism for someone going into shock, or hyper-ventilation... You know, where you bend over as far as you can and breath between your knees... Yup... I'm pretty sure that's what he was doing, but I can't be positive... it was all a blur. 

Luckily, the meeting got a move on and proceeded quite well. We had the chance to recoup, and then, it ended... and we had to deal with all the "congrats" and questions, and jeers from those who actually had the courage to approach us after the meeting. 

Sometime shortly after we calmed down a bit, it occurred to me that Andrew's sister is expecting, and is due a month before we are. I instantly passed news down the bench that if anyone were to ask, the family would respond that it was Sarah whom "J" was so excited for, and not me... maybe we could hold this out a little longer.

This just happened to confuse a bunch of people and I don't think that most of them believed us anyway. 

I guess that's what comes with the territory of living in a tight-knit community. It seems like everyone knows what you're doing before you even really know what you're doing. We always joked in high school that if we were going to do something we shouldn't, our parents would find out before we even made it home. News just kinda seems to travel like wildfire, but no wonder when people are making announcements like that in public meetings!

Looking back, now, it's something we laugh about. I'm sure that there really wasn't even that much attention drawn to us. Most people are only half-awake through meetings like that, anyway, aren't they? I'll always have something to smile about in the future when I think about that story, but I'm also glad for the lesson I learned on just how careful I need to be with the information I feed to my little ones. Out of the mouths of babes, right?

The Journey, Part V (5) - Things Get Funny

Once we found out we were pregnant, things started getting really funny for multiple reasons...

First off, at a funeral a few days earlier, I had walked into the kitchen where my mother-in-law was working. As soon as I opened the door, she asked me if I had been feeling better at all that morning. I replied that I had eaten and apple and a couple of pickles and felt OK, but still not normal. (Pickles are a staple food for me... I wasn't eating pickles because of cravings).

Without missing a beat, a family friend turned and asked me, "Are you pregnant?" This was the only time pregnancy had come up before that morning revelation had happened to me. We shrugged it off and told her that I was having problems digesting protein. (I now wish I had dwelt a little longer on her question)!

The next thing that happened was the decision to tell our parents about it. The thing was, Andrew had told his buddy, Brian, about an hour after we found out. I was concerned because Brian told his family and I didn't want them saying anything to our folks if they happened to see each other. (We grew up in a REALLY small town). Also, Andrew's brother made a last minute decision to come visit while we were there, and we never really talked about if we were going to wait to tell siblings or others... I think Jonathon and his family had been there for about 4 hours by the time they figured out what was going on. So, we found out on Thursday morning, and by Friday, the news was spreading quickly through our family. This was definitely NOT how I planned on things going. We still weren't even sure if that's what was going on... I know it's hard to deny a positive test (or four), but I had hoped that we would at least see a doctor before we told our parents, and now all of our siblings and a few close friends new within 24 hours!

That weekend, I did a lot of sleeping and praying to the porcelain gods. It was crazy... we had, at any given time, between nine and 16 people in a one bathroom house. My nieces and nephew started noticing that I was not being very fun, and on Saturday morning, one of my nieces came up to me and said, "Aunt Cheltzey, you're having a baby?" when I replied with an affirmation to her question, she proceeded with, "Is that why you're so lazy?"!!! I got the biggest laugh out of that one... but it was nothing to prepare me for what would come out her mouth at church the next day...!

The Journey, Part IIII... I Get My Husband Back!

Finally, Andrew came down, and we decided to take a little trip to Utah to visit some friends and family. We went to the Provo and Salt Lake Temples and it was a really fun little get-away. The first night we were there, I ordered a dry baked potato from the restaurant we ate and but felt so sick, I couldn't finish it. I was concerned, because we had plans to meet up with some friends at Tucanos the next night. I had no idea how I was supposed to get through and evening of all you can eat meat being passed to me, but, surprisingly, I felt amazing during our dinner. I didn't get sick at all, and ate meat for the first time in about 2 weeks.

This is when I started thinking that maybe what we had initially thought was going on wasn't right. I figured that the excitement and fun of seeing our friends had caused enough of a distraction for me that I wasn't experiencing that plaguing sick feeling. We drove back to my mom's that night, and I woke up sicker than a dog the next morning, though. 

"What is going on with me?" I was thinking that maybe the idea to wait to see a doctor in Kalispell was a bad idea. I crawled out of bed and began brushing my teeth, and it was like this light bulb went off in my head. I knew that I needed to take a pregnancy test. The whole idea of pregnancy had NEVER crossed anyone's mind. We had pushed it so far out of the picture... it was an odd feeling. Andrew and I headed out again to visit his folks, and I had him stop at the grocery store in Blackfoot. I told him I needed crackers and a soda to calm my stomach. He stayed in the car and I ran in and grabbed the cheapest test I could find and went straight to the bathroom after making my purchase. I have never been more nervous to pee on a stick before. I've taken tests before, but this time felt so different. I gathered up my barrings and did what I had to do... and this THICK, DARK line suddenly appeared next to the control line. It happened so quickly, I thought maybe I had misused the test. (They are so adamant about the wait period while it rests on a flat surface)!

I went out the car and waited until Andrew was headed down the road. I had always planned on waiting to tell him, and our family, but this was just so crazy... I needed him to know what was going on, so I grabbed it out of the bag and said, "Hey, can you check something out for me?" I handed it to him and watched him process everything. After a few seconds he looked at me with a huge grin on his face and said, "Oh, great!... Is this serious?!?!?"

He didn't believe me and pulled off of the interstate in Idaho Falls so I could buy a more expensive test. Looking back now, we laugh about it. It was the weirdest drive I have ever taken from Blackfoot to Monteview and it felt like a dream... like an out of body experience almost. We took three more tests, though, and they all did the same thing with the bold, dark line.

After that happened though, we didn't know what to do...

The Journey, Part III

So, January and February came, and things started looking up. Andrew and I began looking at our future with new eyes... practicing the idea of planning with a different family dynamic than we had originally dreamed up. It was just figuring out how I could either cope with, or kick the depression to the curb. I was reading scriptures and all sorts of books in an attempt to lift my spirits, but nothing seemed to be working. Life was interesting... each day would come and go, but I don't really remember living it... we had some good moments, but it seemed like life was moving on, and I was just there. Floating. I had no idea who I was and I felt like I couldn't identify myself. This was hard for a 24 year old kid... it seems like my generation is ALL about labeling and uniqueness... about pointing out what we share, and what sets us apart from others... and I just felt like a nobody. That was hard. 

Finally, in March, my mom came up to visit with my brother and his wife and daughter. About two days before they arrived, I got this crazy feeling that I should go home with them. Then, Andrew would come pick me up a few weeks later. My mom was getting married and it was a perfect excuse for me... I could go home and help her pack her things and move her to her new home. It scared the daylights out of me, too, though, because Andrew and I had never been apart for more than a couple of nights and this would be a 2.5 week separation for us. I cried when we left Bigfork and Andrew and Ruger stayed behind, but I felt wholeheartedly that this was the right thing for me to do.

I spent my time in Idaho going through old memories with my mom's belongings. We got rid of some things, and relived some good times. It was very therapeutic for me. I also spent time in the temple, and worked on some personal energy work. The week that my mom had come to visit, I had passed a kidney stone, which I thought was odd because it had been almost two years since the last time that had happened. Then I passed three more my first couple of weeks in Idaho. I also began experiencing what I thought were gallbladder attacks. I was frustrated and felt like I had taken about 10 steps backwards with my health. The 'gallbladder attacks' started getting worse though. I knew that something just wasn't right and I needed some outside opinions. I was 400+ miles away from my doctor, though. What ended up happening was we weren't really sure how to explain my symptoms, and there was concern that I was having a reaction to protein... In essence, my body was going into toxicity from an over abundance of protein, and this can cause major problems to the liver, gallbladder and kidneys. I didn't get tested, though, and made the decision to change my diet for a few days to see if that helped at all. I learned about how our blood type can determine what type of foods work best for our body systems, and basically cut out breads and meats, dairy and eggs for a while. I felt WAY better, but there was still unexplainable queasiness/nausea that I couldn't seem to get to go away....

Sunday, June 21, 2015

The Journey, Part II

January of 2015 came, and went... and still, no signs of pregnancy. 

Sometime around the middle of the month, we began talking about what it would be like if we never had kids. It wasn't an easy conversation to have, but it was oddly comforting to think that there might be other avenues for us... that we could really make of our future whatever we wanted.

Still, I was having a hard time accepting that I might never carry and nurture my own children. Andrew gave me a Priesthood blessing on February 12th. I have never received such clear guidance before, but I am so grateful for it, because I felt the Spirit so strongly and I was comforted by it. He said I needed to be prepared for what is to come and that I had great things in store for my future, but there was also much guidance towards focusing on Beachbody, and that I have many things to learn from this company. I stepped away from that blessing feeling that the answer was that now was not the time for me to be focusing on bringing children into our home, but ultimately, the choice was mine, and Heavenly Father would buoy me up in whatever I decided. (I am so grateful for the Priesthood, and for the Love that our Father In Heaven has for us. I promise you, if you are lacking in anything, just know that He understands, but most importantly, know that you have Heavenly Parents who love you. Their love for you is greater than anyone can comprehend in this life. Sometimes, though, they let us make bad decisions, or be affected by the bad decisions of others because they can see our potential, and they know that those experiences offer us opportunity for growth. It isn't always easy, but if we learn from these 'trials' we will see blessings stream forth in our own personal growth and understanding).

So, in February, I really started looking into personal development, and learning about myself. I didn't jump into my Beachbody business, though. I was still fighting that depression and I was struggling with being that leader that my team needed me to be. That is one regret that I do have, because, honestly, I have found that reaching outside of ourselves is really the best medicine to mental-illness. It's like running on a rat-wheel, though... You know that if you just hop off, and start helping others, your own life becomes so much simpler and livable, but that initial step off of the wheel, when it's spinning like crazy around you, that's the scariest part. You get stuck in this place where it's almost easier to just suffer from the whirlwind around you than it is to step off into the unknown... into unfamiliar territory, where you are vulnerable and you are open to others hurting you. It only makes sense if you've been on the wheel yourself, though.

The Journey

I have been meaning to write about this for a long time... I want to get it out before I forget!

So, here's how the story goes...

Andrew and I have been hoping for kids for a while now. In 2013, we decided to go off of birth-control. I remember that in October 2012 we had talked about dropping it in January, but January came really fast, and I wasn't sure if we were ready yet, so we waited until my next appointment with my OBGYN which took place in May of 2013. 

I was working at Pollywog's daycare at this time and I loved my job. I dreamt of what it would be like to have kids of our own running around. We went off of the pill, but I was having a few physical issues with my kidneys and gallbladder, and the hormone change from dropping the pill had a bad reaction with my body. I was tired and sick, and I have dealt with depression before, but it seemed to hit super hard with the changes I was going through that summer.

The next few months were a roller-coaster of emotions. We weren't specifically 'trying' to conceive, but we also weren't doing anything to prevent it, either. I thought it was odd that we had gone so long without seeing any signs of pregnancy, and I began experiencing pains in my lower abdomen, as well as irregular menstruation, which was odd because I had always worked like clockwork before.

It was about January of 2014 when I actually began tracking my cycles and we started talking with specialists about infertility. Andrew and I began throwing around the idea that we might be searching for alternative solutions to starting our own little family. 

In April, we went and picked up a little puppy for some company and to add a little energy into our life. Infertility is hard. We were just trying to take it day-by-day, but Ruger really helped to lighten things up for us, and I am so grateful for that dog!

The rest of 2014 was a whirlwind. We had so many changes in our family, with Andrew switching careers and starting up his own business, and us moving closer to his shop. It kept us busy and the change was welcome. I started helping him out with book balancing and the numbers side of the business... Andrew's work started slowing down in the winter, though, and I realized mid-December that I was starting to slip back into that depression that I had been fighting.
There are so many emotions, and it's hard to tell my story without writing a novel about it. Each day is different, and it's difficult to express the journey, especially to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. The most interesting thing to me about our story is that it got better, then it got bad... before it got really good...